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How to Love Without Walls
By Scott Reiniger, CPCC
Copyright © , Invision Group

To Love Without Walls assumes you experience a deep love and a natural fit with your partner.

Many of us deeply desire to be fully KNOWN, SEEN and FELT in the truth of who we really are in our inner world without judgment and without condition. To fully reveal ourselves in all our dark and light and to embrace the same in the one we love creates the SPACE for RARE and SPIRITUAL INTIMACY of the heart, mind, body and soul.

To live in, share and feel the truth of each other's inner world leads to a deep sense of human connection. To be vulnerable and share your naked heart together opens the door to a richness and bond that money can't buy. In a space of trust, agree to hold each other's inner world as confidential, sacred and holy.

For many of us, this can be very difficult and scary for fear of feeling unsafe, exposed, judged and rejected for being who we really are inside. If driven by hidden fear, we tend to hide parts of ourselves. However, we are are all human and at the bottom-line, maybe fragile inside. To share being fully human with the one you love can open the door to an experience of heaven on earth.

A desire to GIVE. To love without walls is and demands many things. Here are a few basics to check out and test out for yourself. In the following explore the questions and write down your thoughts.

A. To embrace, love and accept another as they are, how they are, and in ALL WAYS they are, no matter what.

Q. What would it feel like to you to know YOU are loved in this way?

Q. In what ways do you GIVE this fully to the one you love? What stops you?

TEST: notice when 'judgment' shows up within yourself about your loved one. Catch it and stop. Consciously choose to let your judgment go.Stay curious instead and notice the impact, tone and feel moving between you and your loved one.

B. To let go of the desire to control and give the one you love absolute SPACE, room to breathe, to feel free to express and do what's important to him or her without being made to feel wrong. The more space we give, the closer we become. Space allows room for each to reveal more of him or herself and feel safe to do so.

Q. What is it like for you when YOU feel you have the space to be who you are, speak the truth and do what interests you? What does it feel like when you have little space?

Q. How much space do you give the one you love? In what ways can you give more?

TEST: the next time you feel uncomfortable when the one you love desires to do some activity without you, resist any desire to stand in the way. Sure, speak your heart, the truth that you are jealous or that you will miss your love or whatever it is that you feel but encourage the one you love to do the activity. But speak from a place of tenderness and remember that is important for HIM or HER.

C. To resist the desire to 'fix' or 'change' the one you love. How you believe he or she 'should be' may blind you from seeing and appreciating the beauty of who they really are in all their complexity. The desire to fix tends to push the one you love away. It puts them in a 'box', causing them to want to break out and break away for feeling wrong. The desire to 'own' someone can lead to losing them.

Q. What does it feel like in you when someone wants you to be something your are not?

Q. What do you notice in your loved one if you pressure him or her to behave, react or respond in some way that YOU need?

TEST: ask your loved one if he or she ever feels pressured by you to do something or be in some way that is against his or her nature. Share your thoughts and feelings if you experience the same. Agree to share openly in order to gain deeper understanding of each other out love for each other.

D. To treat conflict and tension not as a 'problem' but instead as an 'opportunity' for deeper learning, knowing and intimacy with the one you love.

Q. In a moment of tension, what would it be like for you if your loved one were to ask you what is really going on in you and does so in a caring and curious fashion? How would you feel sensing that he or she truly wants to understand you and you have the space to share the truth?

Q. When conflict shows up how do you normally handle it? What is the impact within yourself and on your loved one at moments of tension?

TEST: Ask the one you love if you can agree together to treat conflict as a doorway to understand more to become even closer. Come from a place of tenderness and a desire to understand. Agree that tension may naturally show up and that it is really okay. Don't ask and expect yourself or your loved one to be "perfect". Agree on this together. Together look at ways you can recognize if it is the child in each other that are fighting. What affectionate, confidential and/or humorous names can you come up with for each other as a cue to realize that your kids are fighting? For example you could suggest: "I love it when you ask me "what's wrong my little boy". "This helps me get out of myself and makes me smile."

To love without walls is to live and love in the truth and share what truly moves in us without agenda of how we want to be 'seen'. Sharing what's real, the truth of our fear, feeling and thought can create a beautifully rich experience between two people.

What if we look at being fully human as STRENGTH, rather than weakness?

That is takes more personal strength to be open and emotional.

That human complexity is beautiful to witness if we remain curious and always look to discover more.

That conflict is a doorway to discovery and greater intimacy.

That to be vulnerable and to experience the dark and light in each other is not a 'problem' in a relationship.

That it takes conscious effort to love without walls, without condition.

Each of us has our own story of what has shaped our nature to be the way we are.

Contact: Scott Reiniger, CPCC